Not Quite Mid-Cycle

My interview season, like I said, has become less of a period that defines the next four years of my life, and more of a journey towards self-realization. In my search for a solution to the anxiety that plagued me in the beginning of this year, I instead found ways to strengthen my spirit in ways I did not expect. I listened to Brene Brown, found The Confidence Code, took some advice from Frankel, spoke with mental health professionals, played with MBTI, then delved into figuring out exactly what I loved and what I want out of this long, winded road to a medical degree.

I have become increasingly comfortable with my story, which I often felt I needed to explain. I traced my discomfort regarding my non-traditional status to my inherent dislike for being outside of the norm. I found that both strange and fascinating, since I had never really belonged to one particular cultural group, in school, at work, and in life. I lived in countries whose languages I didn't understand. I was always an outsider.

So, now, I am working on owning my past and my personality for what they are. I am embracing that my path is not at all traditional. My nursing background, my immigrant status, my age, my love for all things unconventional while forever needing community -- these all define me, though, even collectively, they do not quite succeed in answering the question of who I am. I am even working on accepting my ambition for what it is, instead of trying to shove my desire to grow under the proverbial rug for fear that the knowledge of my need to achieve would suddenly deem me unlovable.

But these little details about my introspection don't really interest you, do they? You probably want to know how my cycle is going. Well, folks, it's going splendidly! Feel free to ask me in private if you're curious about exactly how splendidly this year is turning out for yours truly.


Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Premed Brain Nurse

Interview Season

One down, three to go. 

I am so excited to be at this point in my journey. Interview season is driving me to self-discovery and I like it. I feel more in-sync with my path now more than ever. I am still worried, still afraid that I will make a damn fool of myself, but I have invited myself into the arena. I have my past, my strengths, and my courage. I have faith that I am on this road for a reason. Asit tal-eb. 

(Yup, just quoted the Qun. Judge me.)

Drop me a line. We can walk this scary year together. 

INTERVIEW INVITE

Yesterday, I received my first interview invite. I am leaving this here as a future reminder of the overwhelming mix of joy, excitement, and nervousness that I felt when I opened that text message. I have been in a near-constant state of anxiety since submitting my secondaries. I am finally seeing an end to years of pre-med effort and I cannot be more stoked that I might not even need to give up my house and my awesome workplace for my dream. I am riding this wave of relief and anticipation for as long as I can manage before the inevitable anxiety comes crashing back in. Thank the deities and on to interviews!

Did you ever think...

How could I have prepared myself for this? How do we tell our pre-meds, our pre-nurses, our kids, that, one day, you could fight with every ounce you have to save a life, lose spectacularly - bloodily, miserably - then find yourself held in the arms of your patient's wife as she thanks you, profusely, for your valiant effort? How do we teach the proper etiquette for that moment? What do you say when this weeping Middle Eastern lady says, "You know.. you know, he must have known you in your past lives. There must be a reason you were his nurse today. Thank you."

How do we learn to deal with that? How do we prepare?

Six Months After

Here we are, loves. It's six months since my last post. MCAT has been well and truly destroyed. It took an exhausting seven hours, but I came out with a 90th percentile and now have a real hope of becoming a physician. I cannot be more nervous, neither can I shake the excitement with which I wake up every morning. I want this so much and, though I know acceptance will not define me since I already have a profession and a life, but I am so stoked that I might be a medical student by next year.

AMCAS is already verified. AACOMAS is on verification, and I am about to start on secondaries. I hope everyone is having a wonderful year. Keep your heads up. We're all going to be okay!

It's Aliiiiiive!

Alternative Title: The Biochemistry Saga


I apologize for my absence, everyone. This semester kicked my little nurse butt like no other semester has. I finally transitioned to the major university where I had been taking my online RN-BSN classes. I had Biochemistry and Physics on top of my nursing classes for a total of 13 credits. I dropped down to part-time at work, since school now demanded I come in five days a week.


It was hell. I got a whopping 76 and 68 on my first two exams. My confidence plummeted and I was ready to drop the class. I went to my professor (who was a brilliant, callous, terrifying man), prepared for him to agree with me. To my utter surprise, he told me not to do it. He said there was no reason for me to and gave me advice on how to prepare better for the exams.


I was skeptical but I let the Drop deadline pass with my fiancé's blessing. "Just get a B," he said. "You can do that."


The next exam had my nerves on overdrive for days after taking it. It wasn't until the result was released that I found myself able to breathe again. I had gotten a 96 which meant I only made one mistake in the entire exam! Suddenly, my barely-a-C- was a solid B and a shy sliver of hope and confidence lodged itself into my chest. I knew that a single A would not do. It might have been a fluke, afterall. It was an anomaly, an outlier in my depressing Biochemistry grade statistics.


My fourth exam came around and I was sure I bombed it. There was no way I was going to recreate the miracle of the previous test. Oh, how wrong I was. The result came out: another freaking 96! At this point, I was beginning to feel redeemed. I had dragged my pathetic almost-D to an A-. In what world was that even possible?!


Last exam. I went in ready for this semester to be over. I knew I couldn't hope for a result high enough to keep my A-, but it would take a grade below 70 to bring me down to a C+. I was content to not stress myself out by aiming for an A. I would get a B in the exam, a B+ in the class, and just count myself lucky I survived the semester.


Today, my professor finally posted the final exam grade. Half-asleep and just acting out of habit, I check the online campus and almost jump out of bed, startling both my cats and the sleeping doctor beside me. "Baby, I got a hundred! I got a hundred on my finals!"


"What?" Even my fiancé thought I must be imagining things. "That's impossible."


"No, look!"


"Wow." He kisses me on the cheek and hugs me tightly. "You did the impossible," said the most pragmatic, most straight-forward, most realistic man I had ever met who had never over-exaggerated anything in his entire life.


So now, for the first time in months, I actually feel good about this journey again. Maybe I can do this. Maybe I wasn't quite as out of my element as I thought I was. Looking back, I am so glad I did not drop the class. It was hell trying to climb out of the grade hole, but now my confidence has received a much needed boost. It is so boosted, in fact, that I finally registered for the MCAT just now. I can't believe I am at this point of the process now. In a few more months, I'll be starting the application process. Jeez.


--


ANYWAY, now that that's out of the way... I got engaged, guys! The boy popped the question and we're getting married in a month. It's going to be a crazy, Game of Thrones themed extravaganza in this grand, old property that looks like it's been pulled straight out of George R.R. Martin's books. I am so excited! The ballroom has this amazing staircase that I cannot wait to take pictures on.


Also, we did engagement photos. I brought Orcrist with me. It was epic. :D Hope you guys have a wonderful winter break!

Victory!

Aced my first O-Chem test. Booya!