Marathon Days

Still here, still trucking, still want to quit my job so I can go to school full time. Focus is a bit of an issue, but I'm working on it.

On a more personal note, I finally sought help for the depression I recently admitted (to myself and a few others) I've been battling for as long as I can remember. It felt oddly liberating to tell someone out loud that I have been faking happiness since I was a child. That I did not really know how that felt like. That I've just been making the face others make when they say they're happy. That I can be content and still want to rip my own heart out. That my earliest memories have depression written all over it, and I didn't want to admit it till very recently. That I'm oddly proud of my three-decade long deception, because how would it look if happy little smiling, successful nurse turned out to be all dark and twisted and always wanting to die inside for no acceptable reason. That I felt ashamed to be associated with that nasty word, depressed, because what the hell kind of right do I have to be depressed with my wonderfully charmed life and awesome family and amazing friends? That I recognized my depression a while ago but have been terrified that I would get locked away if I told anyone. That every. single. time. I get behind a steering wheel, I obsess over how easy it would be to let the car drift a little to the left, right on to oncoming traffic. That I know I would never, ever try to kill myself, but I find it oddly comforting that I have finally come up with a fool proof plan should I ever--

Yeah.

I'm hoping to get on medication soon. If I am to become a doctor - and a successful nurse - I have to trust the diagnosis and the treatment for it. I have to see the signs and symptoms for what they are, instead of pretending they don't exist. Most of all, I have to increase my serotonin and see if that will allow me to finally find the joy in all the things I've been smiling about all these years.

Thank you for reading.

Two Things

One: I got a 100% on my very first major test! Aaaah, that felt good. I also simultaneously got my first <100% in quizzes from both my classes last week. The blemishes on my grade reports are irritating the heck out of me! That irritation, on the other hand, is a source of quite a bit of personal amusement because I have never cared so much about my grades before. I would be happy just to get Bs or, gasp!, Cs in the past. But that's why I'm in this GPA rut right now, isn't it? I wish I had known that med school would be a possibility for me in the future. The things I would've done differently..

I talked to my father about this, and he said, "It is what it is. You know where you stand. This is your starting line. All you can do is work with what you've got. Looking back in regret is not going to be of any help to you, is it?"

Blaah, my father is always right. I live with regret now. Do I wanna keep living with it for the rest of my life? Heck to the effing no! Now if only my world would cooperate with this uncrushable dream of mine.

Two: I find myself battling this foreboding sense of impossibility that overwhelms me once in a while. I met a few minor potential setbacks today. Notice the italics. I don't actually know if these will be setbacks. I'm just adding extra stress to myself by counting them as one until they prove themselves otherwise. Go figure.

• I tried mapping out my courses for Spring last night and realized it might not be possible to take the classes that I wanna take because of conflicting schedules. I hope things will look better by the time I can actually register for said classes, but it really makes me sad that even though I technically only work three days a week, I can't get my job to give me regular schedules so I can do school properly. Ugh, it's annoying! If I wasn't contracted for another year and a half, I think I would quit by the time I hit a year in February. 
• I have permission to take Applied Calc I but, apparently, this doesn't meet my degree's requirements, so, instead, I have to try and fit in a 5-credit Pre-Calc/Trig class in the Spring so that I can take the required Calc later on. 
• Aaaand I kinda got bored of my whining halfway through writing my Two's, so I'm gonna stop right here. 

Gotta take my pre-med cap off and put my nursing hat on now. Good night, everyone!