Little Milestones

My first semester back is almost at an end. It's been an easy journey in terms of coursework, but a difficult one in terms of keeping the drive going. Spring 2015 is just around the corner. It's barreling towards me with a fuller than full course load and a reunion with the sciences after several years of shying away from them. Work isn't getting any lighter either.

But I have L., who supports my every decision, and these tiny citalopram pills that are showing me a brighter world I did not realize could exist.

Overall, I am glad I have taken on this challenge. Having a purpose really does change one's perspective. Of course, I am giving up on the latter half of my twenties, but I'm starting to not mind that so much. I have my pets who cuddle with me, and my man who loves me, and my family who sends their encouragement from thousands of miles away. Oh, and I just bought a new car! Why shouldn't I be happy?

Marathon Days

Still here, still trucking, still want to quit my job so I can go to school full time. Focus is a bit of an issue, but I'm working on it.

On a more personal note, I finally sought help for the depression I recently admitted (to myself and a few others) I've been battling for as long as I can remember. It felt oddly liberating to tell someone out loud that I have been faking happiness since I was a child. That I did not really know how that felt like. That I've just been making the face others make when they say they're happy. That I can be content and still want to rip my own heart out. That my earliest memories have depression written all over it, and I didn't want to admit it till very recently. That I'm oddly proud of my three-decade long deception, because how would it look if happy little smiling, successful nurse turned out to be all dark and twisted and always wanting to die inside for no acceptable reason. That I felt ashamed to be associated with that nasty word, depressed, because what the hell kind of right do I have to be depressed with my wonderfully charmed life and awesome family and amazing friends? That I recognized my depression a while ago but have been terrified that I would get locked away if I told anyone. That every. single. time. I get behind a steering wheel, I obsess over how easy it would be to let the car drift a little to the left, right on to oncoming traffic. That I know I would never, ever try to kill myself, but I find it oddly comforting that I have finally come up with a fool proof plan should I ever--

Yeah.

I'm hoping to get on medication soon. If I am to become a doctor - and a successful nurse - I have to trust the diagnosis and the treatment for it. I have to see the signs and symptoms for what they are, instead of pretending they don't exist. Most of all, I have to increase my serotonin and see if that will allow me to finally find the joy in all the things I've been smiling about all these years.

Thank you for reading.

Two Things

One: I got a 100% on my very first major test! Aaaah, that felt good. I also simultaneously got my first <100% in quizzes from both my classes last week. The blemishes on my grade reports are irritating the heck out of me! That irritation, on the other hand, is a source of quite a bit of personal amusement because I have never cared so much about my grades before. I would be happy just to get Bs or, gasp!, Cs in the past. But that's why I'm in this GPA rut right now, isn't it? I wish I had known that med school would be a possibility for me in the future. The things I would've done differently..

I talked to my father about this, and he said, "It is what it is. You know where you stand. This is your starting line. All you can do is work with what you've got. Looking back in regret is not going to be of any help to you, is it?"

Blaah, my father is always right. I live with regret now. Do I wanna keep living with it for the rest of my life? Heck to the effing no! Now if only my world would cooperate with this uncrushable dream of mine.

Two: I find myself battling this foreboding sense of impossibility that overwhelms me once in a while. I met a few minor potential setbacks today. Notice the italics. I don't actually know if these will be setbacks. I'm just adding extra stress to myself by counting them as one until they prove themselves otherwise. Go figure.

• I tried mapping out my courses for Spring last night and realized it might not be possible to take the classes that I wanna take because of conflicting schedules. I hope things will look better by the time I can actually register for said classes, but it really makes me sad that even though I technically only work three days a week, I can't get my job to give me regular schedules so I can do school properly. Ugh, it's annoying! If I wasn't contracted for another year and a half, I think I would quit by the time I hit a year in February. 
• I have permission to take Applied Calc I but, apparently, this doesn't meet my degree's requirements, so, instead, I have to try and fit in a 5-credit Pre-Calc/Trig class in the Spring so that I can take the required Calc later on. 
• Aaaand I kinda got bored of my whining halfway through writing my Two's, so I'm gonna stop right here. 

Gotta take my pre-med cap off and put my nursing hat on now. Good night, everyone!

This being back in school thing...

is a lot more time-consuming than I remember.

I only have two classes right now, yet I feel like I don't have enough time in the week to enjoy my life AND go to work AND study for school. To top it all of, I just got myself a new cat. Integrating him to my resident cat-and-dog troublemakers has been a challenge. I am currently typing this while sitting on the floor in the guest room where he is temporarily staying. I'm trying to get him accustomed to having us around. He's been so anxious these past few days. He even attacked our super friendly resident kitty! That really broke my heart. So we're going back to absolutely no visual contact like the shelter suggested. Thankfully, we have a two-bedroom house, so the new cat can take over the guest room. Unfortunately, that also means I do all my studying in a room with no desk so the kitty can get used to me.

Anyway, back to not having enough time. God, lately, I've been wondering if I don't have a touch of ADD. I've been having a hard time just focusing.

I do understand that I need to strengthen my commitment to this endeavor. I guess I'm jut finding it hard to slowly let go of my old lifestyle. But that was the point of only taking six credits this semester. I'm slowly working myself up to the challenge of the coming years.

Next semester, I'm taking three classes with two labs. At that point, I should've gained a better handle on my time management. That's the goal.

In other news, I cannot stress how much I love just sitting around in school. I love the transition from WTF-does-that-mean to 'Aha!' I'm having so much fun learning how to learn again. :)

Message to Self:

Loosen up. You're only just beginning. You've barely pulled up to the starting line. Stop going crazy with all these details of your current life that you wish were different. Stop resenting the fact that you have to work instead of just go to school. It will be okay. You're on a very, very long road. The fact is, it's not going to be a bumpy ride, and that's going to be more challenging than if you had massive mountains along the way. It's going to be tedious most of the time. Just keep on keeping on.

So this is what's happening:

While I love that I do what I do and work where I work, I hate almost every moment I spend in that hospital as a nurse. I hate the back pain, the neverending excrement, the "can i have a comb, and some apple juice, and linen change, and 12/10 pain" moments which makes up 98% of my day.

Once in a while, I see science actually doing its job. I hold a patient's hand while she thanks me for her first pain-free moment in days. I see the joy reflected on someone's face as he realizes he's strong enough to stand up. A mother and I smile (and silently cry) in awe as we watch his son open his eyes for the first time since that fateful accident.

But those moments are so few and far too separated by all these other tasks coupled by the ingratitude of certain POS doctors, family members, and patients, after I just pretty much injured my back to ensure the best outcome for our patient.

As years go by, I find myself becoming more and more jaded about this profession. It's not so much the job that's getting me down; it's the environment in which we practice it. Critical care nursing (like most of the health-related professions) at its purest is a noble, fulfilling calling. This watered down, polluted version of it -- not so much.

Soldiering On

I'm making some progress on this planning thing. Spoke to the advisor today. He was actually quite nice. He was very monotone, almost dismissive, to begin with, but he became guardedly optimistic and engaged when I pulled out spreadsheets of all my grand plans. He told me that it would be very difficult to work full time while going to school as a pre-med. He said he could count in one hand the number of nurses who worked while taking the classes needed to be a competitive applicant. I understand that. I knew what I was getting into. I know that I eventually have to quit. I just don't want to right now because:

• I am contracted for another year and a half. A break in the contract will require paying the hospital a lot of money.
• I'm not sure I can weather the loss of income at this time. 
• I will not only give up the best nursing job I have ever had, I will also surrender free tuition in addition to opportunities to be around cutting edge medicine, world-class physicians, relevant research, volunteering/community service connections, and so many other things that I love AND will benefit my future medical school application. 

I don't know what to do except keep trudging on. I keep hearing how hard future science classes are going to be. My confidence is starting to waver. Am I wasting my time? 

Other things we covered include the fact that I am currently in a college instead of a university. He echoed what we read in SDN far too often: University > College. I don't know why the concept of going to one is so difficult to swallow. I've been putting it off for years now. Am I scared that I'm not good enough for universities? Is that it? It's strange that I love working in these massive quaternary academic hospital, but I dislike setting foot in big universities.

Well, I have to do it. He thinks I should do it sooner rather than later. I agree, specially since the biggest factor, i.e., money, is hardly a deterrent now that work is paying for my tuition. I guess it's time to get over my phobia of giant educational institutions.

He gave me some constructive advice on my timeframe. By his calculations, I should be able to take the MCAT in late 2016/early 2017. That's much sooner than any of my calculations have shown. It was all a matter of pushing Calculus till later in the timeframe and focusing, instead, on the prerequisite sciences. He told me not to even take Calculus II since I'm already doing Statistics this semester. That works just fine for me. 

I guess there's nothing else to do but keep at it. He did exactly what I wanted me to do: gave me feedback and useful, concrete advice. Now off to class, I go. 

The Return

Today was my first day back. I had this really strange sense of homecoming throughout the whole experience. In another life, I worked at the same college I was attending. I loved every moment of those four years. The college was pretty much my world. It was wonderful. I wish I could do that again. Being back today hammered in the desire to be in the academic world for as long as I can manage. I can totally do this being a student thing. And the amazing (read: sad) thing is, I actually want to!

How to Student

I start classes tomorrow and I have writer's block. Go figure.

Because I have to start somewhere.

I know this is what I want. I am starting this blog because I haven't isolated the reason behind that desire yet. I need to know why I want this so badly. I need it for my eventual Personal Statement and, most importantly, I need it to maintain my sanity. I'm sure the added boost to my motivation won't hurt either.

I see how miserable most of the doctors in my life are. Both my personal and professional lives are surrounded my doctors. I know how terrible patient care can be. I know the frustrations of dealing with noncompliance and aggression in people you're just trying to help. I know it firsthand. I'm not some starry-eyed little girl with rose-colored glasses and a fancy stethoscope, pretending I know what life beyond the trenches look like because I pushed wheelchairs in the ED or shadowed a doctor for ten hours. I've been in the splash zone of the healthcare business for several years now. I've worked in different departments with patients needing varied levels of care. I've interacted with doctors, from intern grunts to department chiefs. I know what I will be getting myself into, yet here I am, joining the crowd of hopeful non-traditional pre-medical students, hoping for the sliver of a chance to one day become a physician. 

I don't know how I'm going to do it. At 26, I'm at the very beginning of an uphill journey. My GPA is underwhelming. I need a Bachelor's Degree. I don't have a rich support system, so I will likely have to work full time if I want to minimize debt. That's a moot point anyway, because I'm stuck in my contract for another year and a half. I'm still struggling with a plan. 

But there are silver linings, too. I am a critical care nurse in one of the largest teaching/research facilities on this side of the country. The job covers some tuition, provides lots of volunteering opportunities, allows me to build relationships with physicians, exposes me to cutting edge advances on a daily basis, and, hey, I only have to work thirty-six hours  a week, right?

Add that to the fact that I have a decent mortgage, no kids, and a boyfriend willing to support my endeavor, though he doesn't quite get why I would ever want to give up my cozy life for his constantly exhausted one. 

So that is my prologue. That's the story behind the start of the marathon. On Monday, I go back to school after quite the hiatus. I better be freaking up for it.