Loosen up. You're only just beginning. You've barely pulled up to the starting line. Stop going crazy with all these details of your current life that you wish were different. Stop resenting the fact that you have to work instead of just go to school. It will be okay. You're on a very, very long road. The fact is, it's not going to be a bumpy ride, and that's going to be more challenging than if you had massive mountains along the way. It's going to be tedious most of the time. Just keep on keeping on.
So this is what's happening:
While I love that I do what I do and work where I work, I hate almost every moment I spend in that hospital as a nurse. I hate the back pain, the neverending excrement, the "can i have a comb, and some apple juice, and linen change, and 12/10 pain" moments which makes up 98% of my day.
Once in a while, I see science actually doing its job. I hold a patient's hand while she thanks me for her first pain-free moment in days. I see the joy reflected on someone's face as he realizes he's strong enough to stand up. A mother and I smile (and silently cry) in awe as we watch his son open his eyes for the first time since that fateful accident.
But those moments are so few and far too separated by all these other tasks coupled by the ingratitude of certain POS doctors, family members, and patients, after I just pretty much injured my back to ensure the best outcome for our patient.
As years go by, I find myself becoming more and more jaded about this profession. It's not so much the job that's getting me down; it's the environment in which we practice it. Critical care nursing (like most of the health-related professions) at its purest is a noble, fulfilling calling. This watered down, polluted version of it -- not so much.
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