Marathon Days

Still here, still trucking, still want to quit my job so I can go to school full time. Focus is a bit of an issue, but I'm working on it.

On a more personal note, I finally sought help for the depression I recently admitted (to myself and a few others) I've been battling for as long as I can remember. It felt oddly liberating to tell someone out loud that I have been faking happiness since I was a child. That I did not really know how that felt like. That I've just been making the face others make when they say they're happy. That I can be content and still want to rip my own heart out. That my earliest memories have depression written all over it, and I didn't want to admit it till very recently. That I'm oddly proud of my three-decade long deception, because how would it look if happy little smiling, successful nurse turned out to be all dark and twisted and always wanting to die inside for no acceptable reason. That I felt ashamed to be associated with that nasty word, depressed, because what the hell kind of right do I have to be depressed with my wonderfully charmed life and awesome family and amazing friends? That I recognized my depression a while ago but have been terrified that I would get locked away if I told anyone. That every. single. time. I get behind a steering wheel, I obsess over how easy it would be to let the car drift a little to the left, right on to oncoming traffic. That I know I would never, ever try to kill myself, but I find it oddly comforting that I have finally come up with a fool proof plan should I ever--

Yeah.

I'm hoping to get on medication soon. If I am to become a doctor - and a successful nurse - I have to trust the diagnosis and the treatment for it. I have to see the signs and symptoms for what they are, instead of pretending they don't exist. Most of all, I have to increase my serotonin and see if that will allow me to finally find the joy in all the things I've been smiling about all these years.

Thank you for reading.