My first semester back is almost at an end. It's been an easy journey in terms of coursework, but a difficult one in terms of keeping the drive going. Spring 2015 is just around the corner. It's barreling towards me with a fuller than full course load and a reunion with the sciences after several years of shying away from them. Work isn't getting any lighter either.
But I have L., who supports my every decision, and these tiny citalopram pills that are showing me a brighter world I did not realize could exist.
Overall, I am glad I have taken on this challenge. Having a purpose really does change one's perspective. Of course, I am giving up on the latter half of my twenties, but I'm starting to not mind that so much. I have my pets who cuddle with me, and my man who loves me, and my family who sends their encouragement from thousands of miles away. Oh, and I just bought a new car! Why shouldn't I be happy?
Showing posts with label back to school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label back to school. Show all posts
Monday, November 24, 2014
Friday, October 24, 2014
Marathon Days
Still here, still trucking, still want to quit my job so I can go to school full time. Focus is a bit of an issue, but I'm working on it.
On a more personal note, I finally sought help for the depression I recently admitted (to myself and a few others) I've been battling for as long as I can remember. It felt oddly liberating to tell someone out loud that I have been faking happiness since I was a child. That I did not really know how that felt like. That I've just been making the face others make when they say they're happy. That I can be content and still want to rip my own heart out. That my earliest memories have depression written all over it, and I didn't want to admit it till very recently. That I'm oddly proud of my three-decade long deception, because how would it look if happy little smiling, successful nurse turned out to be all dark and twisted and always wanting to die inside for no acceptable reason. That I felt ashamed to be associated with that nasty word, depressed, because what the hell kind of right do I have to be depressed with my wonderfully charmed life and awesome family and amazing friends? That I recognized my depression a while ago but have been terrified that I would get locked away if I told anyone. That every. single. time. I get behind a steering wheel, I obsess over how easy it would be to let the car drift a little to the left, right on to oncoming traffic. That I know I would never, ever try to kill myself, but I find it oddly comforting that I have finally come up with a fool proof plan should I ever--
Yeah.
I'm hoping to get on medication soon. If I am to become a doctor - and a successful nurse - I have to trust the diagnosis and the treatment for it. I have to see the signs and symptoms for what they are, instead of pretending they don't exist. Most of all, I have to increase my serotonin and see if that will allow me to finally find the joy in all the things I've been smiling about all these years.
Thank you for reading.
On a more personal note, I finally sought help for the depression I recently admitted (to myself and a few others) I've been battling for as long as I can remember. It felt oddly liberating to tell someone out loud that I have been faking happiness since I was a child. That I did not really know how that felt like. That I've just been making the face others make when they say they're happy. That I can be content and still want to rip my own heart out. That my earliest memories have depression written all over it, and I didn't want to admit it till very recently. That I'm oddly proud of my three-decade long deception, because how would it look if happy little smiling, successful nurse turned out to be all dark and twisted and always wanting to die inside for no acceptable reason. That I felt ashamed to be associated with that nasty word, depressed, because what the hell kind of right do I have to be depressed with my wonderfully charmed life and awesome family and amazing friends? That I recognized my depression a while ago but have been terrified that I would get locked away if I told anyone. That every. single. time. I get behind a steering wheel, I obsess over how easy it would be to let the car drift a little to the left, right on to oncoming traffic. That I know I would never, ever try to kill myself, but I find it oddly comforting that I have finally come up with a fool proof plan should I ever--
Yeah.
I'm hoping to get on medication soon. If I am to become a doctor - and a successful nurse - I have to trust the diagnosis and the treatment for it. I have to see the signs and symptoms for what they are, instead of pretending they don't exist. Most of all, I have to increase my serotonin and see if that will allow me to finally find the joy in all the things I've been smiling about all these years.
Thank you for reading.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Two Things
One: I got a 100% on my very first major test! Aaaah, that felt good. I also simultaneously got my first <100% in quizzes from both my classes last week. The blemishes on my grade reports are irritating the heck out of me! That irritation, on the other hand, is a source of quite a bit of personal amusement because I have never cared so much about my grades before. I would be happy just to get Bs or, gasp!, Cs in the past. But that's why I'm in this GPA rut right now, isn't it? I wish I had known that med school would be a possibility for me in the future. The things I would've done differently..
I talked to my father about this, and he said, "It is what it is. You know where you stand. This is your starting line. All you can do is work with what you've got. Looking back in regret is not going to be of any help to you, is it?"
Blaah, my father is always right. I live with regret now. Do I wanna keep living with it for the rest of my life? Heck to the effing no! Now if only my world would cooperate with this uncrushable dream of mine.
Two: I find myself battling this foreboding sense of impossibility that overwhelms me once in a while. I met a few minor potential setbacks today. Notice the italics. I don't actually know if these will be setbacks. I'm just adding extra stress to myself by counting them as one until they prove themselves otherwise. Go figure.
I talked to my father about this, and he said, "It is what it is. You know where you stand. This is your starting line. All you can do is work with what you've got. Looking back in regret is not going to be of any help to you, is it?"
Blaah, my father is always right. I live with regret now. Do I wanna keep living with it for the rest of my life? Heck to the effing no! Now if only my world would cooperate with this uncrushable dream of mine.
Two: I find myself battling this foreboding sense of impossibility that overwhelms me once in a while. I met a few minor potential setbacks today. Notice the italics. I don't actually know if these will be setbacks. I'm just adding extra stress to myself by counting them as one until they prove themselves otherwise. Go figure.
- I tried mapping out my courses for Spring last night and realized it might not be possible to take the classes that I wanna take because of conflicting schedules. I hope things will look better by the time I can actually register for said classes, but it really makes me sad that even though I technically only work three days a week, I can't get my job to give me regular schedules so I can do school properly. Ugh, it's annoying! If I wasn't contracted for another year and a half, I think I would quit by the time I hit a year in February.
- I have permission to take Applied Calc I but, apparently, this doesn't meet my degree's requirements, so, instead, I have to try and fit in a 5-credit Pre-Calc/Trig class in the Spring so that I can take the required Calc later on.
- Aaaand I kinda got bored of my whining halfway through writing my Two's, so I'm gonna stop right here.
Gotta take my pre-med cap off and put my nursing hat on now. Good night, everyone!
Monday, September 29, 2014
This being back in school thing...
is a lot more time-consuming than I remember.
I only have two classes right now, yet I feel like I don't have enough time in the week to enjoy my life AND go to work AND study for school. To top it all of, I just got myself a new cat. Integrating him to my resident cat-and-dog troublemakers has been a challenge. I am currently typing this while sitting on the floor in the guest room where he is temporarily staying. I'm trying to get him accustomed to having us around. He's been so anxious these past few days. He even attacked our super friendly resident kitty! That really broke my heart. So we're going back to absolutely no visual contact like the shelter suggested. Thankfully, we have a two-bedroom house, so the new cat can take over the guest room. Unfortunately, that also means I do all my studying in a room with no desk so the kitty can get used to me.
Anyway, back to not having enough time. God, lately, I've been wondering if I don't have a touch of ADD. I've been having a hard time just focusing.
I do understand that I need to strengthen my commitment to this endeavor. I guess I'm jut finding it hard to slowly let go of my old lifestyle. But that was the point of only taking six credits this semester. I'm slowly working myself up to the challenge of the coming years.
Next semester, I'm taking three classes with two labs. At that point, I should've gained a better handle on my time management. That's the goal.
In other news, I cannot stress how much I love just sitting around in school. I love the transition from WTF-does-that-mean to 'Aha!' I'm having so much fun learning how to learn again. :)
I only have two classes right now, yet I feel like I don't have enough time in the week to enjoy my life AND go to work AND study for school. To top it all of, I just got myself a new cat. Integrating him to my resident cat-and-dog troublemakers has been a challenge. I am currently typing this while sitting on the floor in the guest room where he is temporarily staying. I'm trying to get him accustomed to having us around. He's been so anxious these past few days. He even attacked our super friendly resident kitty! That really broke my heart. So we're going back to absolutely no visual contact like the shelter suggested. Thankfully, we have a two-bedroom house, so the new cat can take over the guest room. Unfortunately, that also means I do all my studying in a room with no desk so the kitty can get used to me.
Anyway, back to not having enough time. God, lately, I've been wondering if I don't have a touch of ADD. I've been having a hard time just focusing.
I do understand that I need to strengthen my commitment to this endeavor. I guess I'm jut finding it hard to slowly let go of my old lifestyle. But that was the point of only taking six credits this semester. I'm slowly working myself up to the challenge of the coming years.
Next semester, I'm taking three classes with two labs. At that point, I should've gained a better handle on my time management. That's the goal.
In other news, I cannot stress how much I love just sitting around in school. I love the transition from WTF-does-that-mean to 'Aha!' I'm having so much fun learning how to learn again. :)
Monday, September 15, 2014
The Return
Today was my first day back. I had this really strange sense of homecoming throughout the whole experience. In another life, I worked at the same college I was attending. I loved every moment of those four years. The college was pretty much my world. It was wonderful. I wish I could do that again. Being back today hammered in the desire to be in the academic world for as long as I can manage. I can totally do this being a student thing. And the amazing (read: sad) thing is, I actually want to!
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